"I have always imagined that Paradise...

will be a kind of library." Jorge Luis Borges

Borges is right in my opinion. Another quote that seems particularly apt in my situation right now, but this one appears to be unattributable to anyone: "A library is a hospital for the mind."

I had finished the 13th Stephanie Plum novel and took up Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Not able to put it down, I devoured it and reluctantly left Rowling's wizarding world to revisit the court of Henry the VIII for the next group of headless romps with The Boleyn Inheritance by Philippa Gregory. First, I was so sad to leave Harry. Another ending to deal with, and one that had the realization, we'll never see Hogwarts again or never start the school year again with a trip on the Hogwart's Express. We're stuck with starting the school year shopping at Walmart or Target. I certainly won't ruin the book for those who have yet to read it, but if you haven't read the series, you should. The movies are just glimpses of the books. But, on to the continuing saga of the Tudor pursuit for a son!

The story telling technique in The Boleyn Inheritance for me, leaves a little to be desired. I'm having trouble moving with a fluid reading manner because the author is telling the story from the perspective of three women at court, each woman getting a chapter in turns. I've got a friend who told me to hang in there... The Queen's Fool would be next and it's her favorite. So, another book for the queue!

I rarely mention music here despite that I have it at the top of the blog page. Music is important to me, just as much as words. At times when things seem overwhelming, burying myself in a book with music in the background makes sadness seem so far away, though I know ultimately it's a momentary escape. Anyway, I've turned Patrick onto Vince Guaraldi. Yes, my 10 year old enjoys this jazz pianist who died way too soon and left behind wonderful music beyond just the soundtracks for the Peanuts cartoons. As a treat, I got Patrick a copy of this album:


He loved the caricature of Guaraldi. While the music is all Peanuts related, it is very good. A nice album to sit and listen to. As someone who grew up at the time the Peanuts cartoons were being shown (for the first time, not repeats!) there are some moments that remind me of the cartoons, but just some. A few if the pieces were recorded live and "live" jazz is always a treat. I'd initially looked over this album in gathering my collection of Guaraldi's work. I'm glad I didn't totally miss it. Besides, the album ends with "Cast Your Fate to the Wind." What a wonderful song to listen to and feel your soul a little more free.

The Ebb and Flow of Life

I sit here in Cincinnati, thinking about what it must be like to sit on a beach and watch the true ebb and flow of the tides. The water rushing in, wiping out the marks in the sand, making it a blank slate, and then receding back into the ocean, leaving momentarily so new footprints can be left on the beach before rushing back in to erase the evidence that someone once walked there.


This past week, I've felt my life was like that...

Yesterday my son and I emptied the apartment we'd been living in for the last three years and turned in the keys. We'll never be driving back up that hill, we'll never be climbing the three flights of steps with our laundry or groceries, I'll never sit there in the dark and quiet of the apartment at 3AM and hear the variety of bird sounds that the surrounding woods and nearby river attracted. We've moved into our house, he's enrolled in school and is excitedly looking forward to starting in about a week. There's so much to do, so much to put away and a good deal of "maintenance" type things that I've got to figure out how to do and would normally rely on a male to be more capable of handling. I should be happy. I set out to buy this house and now, well, my first payment book showed up in the mail yesterday. I was successful in the first phase of home ownership. Today I have to figure out how to work the electric lawnmower, I have to decipher the instructions for installing the trim line in my weed trimmer, and I've got to figure out which cabinets in my kitchen will be used for what.

In the midst of all this change... I had two VERY important people in my life tell me things that remind me of that tide flowing back out, that make me wonder about whether footsteps will reappear in the sand of my life. One friend is dealing with something that I can't fix, something I don't know how adequately comfort them for. All I know to do is give this friend something that I hope as a symbol of my feelings will comfort them when they need it physically and emotionally. I've put getting our new home in order on hold a bit so I can finish it.

The other person... I started writing this because I thought I knew what I would say, that if I wrote things down I'd feel better, and now, I'm just at a loss for words. I think of this person in my life and I picture one of those little heart necklaces. The kind where the heart is split zigzag down the center. Together, it is a complete, familiar object. Apart, and the half I hold doesn't look recognizable as anything familiar. This person who was my best friend for the last four years of my life needs to go away. They need to pursue other things, go places they don't think I can't go. They'll follow that setting sun on the horizon over the sea and I'm trying to find the strength to stand on the beach and watch them, wish them well, hope they find the happiness they seek. I watched them leave with the water that just wiped out our footsteps in the sand, my fantasy always was to be with them when they set out, to share those adventures, but now, I have to go forward leaving just my prints. I'll never knit that person gifts again; they needn't worry about dealing with the ill fitting sweater or wearing a funky pair of variegated socks. I can't fix this situation either. I can't work harder to make the outcome one I want. Right now I can't seem to bear to rip out the pattern I've spent so much time working on to start over, but at some point will need to be done.

Please bear with me while I try to find the strength to take that first step, to leave that first footprint in the sand. I have an idea for a window treatment I want to knit for my bedroom. I'm looking forward to sharing that here...